welcome to the new spot
from the outside, i know,
it looks just like any other high-end "Word + Word" low-light tablecloth affair
but on the inside
you’ll find the largest dining area in the world
over 10 million chefs
each with their own dedicated kitchen
room for 1 billion patrons
every dish you’ve ever tasted made fresh, on the spot
and the best part: it’s all-you-can-eat
now, i know what you’re thinking:
"must be expensive!"
20 bucks a month, i shit you not
open 24-7-365
unlimited entry
etc etc etc
our customers tell us their only issue is choosing a dish
if you ask me, it's pretty simple:
start with a Daily Special® from one of our featured chefs
or get wild with a Smorgasbord®, which combines the best in small bites
if there’s something particular you want to try, you can catch a ride on our tram and plug in a specific dish—it’ll take you where you need to go
everything's organized by style, so you can have your pick of chinese, mexican, italian, and so on
as you can imagine, a lot of work happens behind the scenes to make this thing run smoothly
the building’s state-of-the-art: we flew in a committee of architects from sweden, best-of-the-west
we have special deals with water & power
we have about 7,500 people on our books who handle everything from inspections to business partnerships
and that’s not even talking about the food!
it took us a lot of convincing to get the chefs here
they were worried about retaining their best customers, leaving their old kitchens, splitting up with their business partners
but once we got a couple big franchises in, and some of the associations, even the most independent guys started listening
and things went into hyperdrive with the Great Rat Outbreak
(nobody wanted to eat out anymore, it was disgusting
stealing the bread off your plate
crawling onto the grill, getting fried in pans
it felt like armageddon out there
i guess you could say we saw opportunity
where others saw disaster
we told anybody who would listen:
“the Rats aren’t going away"
“the best thing to do is to give them what they want”
see those little chutes next to each stovetop?
that’s the beauty of the whole thing
we built this whole building on top of a—
well, there’s no easy to say it, so i’ll just be out with it:
on top of the world’s largest rat colony
underneath our feet
300 million, by our last count
scurrying around, eating to their hearts' content
see, over half of our meals actually go down to them
and they fight over it down there
later i can show you the best part:
we put chips in every single one of the bastards
so we can track their every move
i’m not saying Rat genocide or anything
but, well, we have the nuclear codes)
as you can imagine, it became more and more appealing for these chefs to move in
now, the food costs would be astronomical if they were on our books
but fortunately, our chefs have agreed to pay out of pocket for their supplies
(i suppose i shouldn’t say “our” chefs
they’re not employees
more like “independent contractors”
easier that way for both sides)
it’s really an incredible operation
some folks have even said we’re changing the way the restaurant business works
…well, nothing wrong with a little disruption
so
can i interest you in a free month?
you’re here already
might as well give it a shot, see if it’s something you’d like
and if 20 bucks, god forbid, is too rich for your blood
we could always fit you with a chip and send you downstairs!
hyuck hyuck hyuck
seriously though how bout it